The title pretty much says it all. Do you ever feel like you have so much on your plate that every ounce of energy you have goes towards keeping up? Initially the adrenaline kicks in and you mentally slip into “Super Man”, “Super Woman”, “Super Mom”, “Super Employee” – you get the drift.
Years ago I was involved with a man whom I loved with all my heart. The title of this entry is how I would describe myself whenever we got together with his 4 daughters (ages 14, 12, 10 and 8). To say that there were issues with him and the girls’ mom was an understatement. The real problem was how the 4 girls learned how to play them against each other. The last thing their mother wanted to hear was that he had someone in his life that made him happy and to add insult to injury that they had fun with me.
Initially I really enjoyed being around them, tried to get to know each one individually and enjoyed the fantasy of the weekends of us creating new memories with his children and my son. All and all it was fun and I looked forward to those weekends. We always took the children to stay at his family cabin (his children were not allowed to know where he lived). I guess he feared what their mother would do if she found out.
After a few months of our creating a false family atmosphere, we had headed up to the cabin and decided to stop for pizza before getting there. While getting out of the car the oldest girl decided to slam the door on the second youngest leg. The second youngest screamed in pain and started crying which provoked me to scream bloody murder at the oldest. Much to my surprise their father went into his “cave” or where ever the hell “Men are From Mars, Women from Venus” wants us to believe men go when they insert their heads up their ass. I told him to “control the evil brat” so I could take care of the injured one. Apparently at the time I didn’t feel he was doing enough disciplining because after I was done checking for broken bones and blood I asked if I could speak with him in private.
“I don’t know how their mother allows them to treat each other at home but when they are with us they will respect each other and be kind to each other. It is important to me that we return them in the same physical way as we picked them up and physically hurting each other will not be tolerated”.
A little back ground on this guy…. He had been diagnosed with Paranoid Schizophrenia with homicidal tendencies towards authority figures. (Probably not the right guys face to get into).
Needless to say, from that night forward every time I was around his children I resented him for not grabbing the concept of a condom in his early 20’s. Who did these kids take after…..was it their mother? Was it him? Was it the hostility that their mother felt towards their father that created this evilness within them? Is this the way children turn out if the parents can’t figure out how to somehow get along for the kids well being and development? I did not want to make this mistake with my son and his father. (And believe me if anyone has earned the right to bitch about their sons father it is me, I’ll save those stories for a later date). So I remained relaxed and learned from the front line of a war that these two parents had created…..the only soldiers to be wounded in this senseless battle were their own children.
If I learned nothing else from their situation, I do believe that every experience in life negative or positive does teach us something worth taking with us.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Monday, January 28, 2008
Crazy People
This past weekend my Guardian Angel was hard at work protecting me from meeting someone in person that I am pretty sure does not need to be a part of my life.
I have been talking to this man for about a year. What I can tell you is that his world is completely drama driven. When we first started corresponding he was in the process of selling his “Foot Doctor” practice, and teaching at a college in NY as well as taking classes, while needing to go to Iraq for volunteer work for 3 weeks. I am no rocket scientist but even with the best possible Time Management skills I am inclined to yell BULL****. Personally I think he is into nefarious activities but I am told often to “Focus on the Low Lights.” So take it for what it is worth.
Last June he took a position as a Professor at a college in Miami. Over the summer he had placed phone calls to me telling me that he broke his hand while trying out for a professional baseball team, or that a group of gang bangers mugged him. (This man is 6’8” and 250 lbs – who in their right mind would choose him to mess with?) His grandmother passed away TWICE, and he has been through 3 vehicles.
Most of the time I wouldn’t answer the phone when he called I would just hit the button on the side of it that silences the ringer. But every now and again he would catch me at a time when answering his call wasn’t an inconvenience. All in all he pointed out that we had been talking for over a year and he would like to meet me in person. I said sure and he planned on flying here this past weekend.
On Friday we had some bad weather and I had a feeling the flight would be delayed. He was due in at 8:15 p.m. I checked the website for his flight and saw that it was delayed until 9:58 p.m. He was to call me and let me know when he had checked into the hotel. Finally at about 11:15 p.m. I called him. The phone went directly to the message that says, “I’m sorry the person you are trying to call has a mailbox that has not been set up yet.” Oh and he doesn’t send or receive texts either.
Now you are probably wondering…..why on earth would I have even agreed to meet with this whack job? Simple…...I was bored, perhaps that makes me crazy?
I have been talking to this man for about a year. What I can tell you is that his world is completely drama driven. When we first started corresponding he was in the process of selling his “Foot Doctor” practice, and teaching at a college in NY as well as taking classes, while needing to go to Iraq for volunteer work for 3 weeks. I am no rocket scientist but even with the best possible Time Management skills I am inclined to yell BULL****. Personally I think he is into nefarious activities but I am told often to “Focus on the Low Lights.” So take it for what it is worth.
Last June he took a position as a Professor at a college in Miami. Over the summer he had placed phone calls to me telling me that he broke his hand while trying out for a professional baseball team, or that a group of gang bangers mugged him. (This man is 6’8” and 250 lbs – who in their right mind would choose him to mess with?) His grandmother passed away TWICE, and he has been through 3 vehicles.
Most of the time I wouldn’t answer the phone when he called I would just hit the button on the side of it that silences the ringer. But every now and again he would catch me at a time when answering his call wasn’t an inconvenience. All in all he pointed out that we had been talking for over a year and he would like to meet me in person. I said sure and he planned on flying here this past weekend.
On Friday we had some bad weather and I had a feeling the flight would be delayed. He was due in at 8:15 p.m. I checked the website for his flight and saw that it was delayed until 9:58 p.m. He was to call me and let me know when he had checked into the hotel. Finally at about 11:15 p.m. I called him. The phone went directly to the message that says, “I’m sorry the person you are trying to call has a mailbox that has not been set up yet.” Oh and he doesn’t send or receive texts either.
Now you are probably wondering…..why on earth would I have even agreed to meet with this whack job? Simple…...I was bored, perhaps that makes me crazy?
Friday, January 18, 2008
Your Baby's Mama
As I mentioned in my first post, I am a single mother. Only not in the sense that I got married, had a baby and the marriage failed. I signed up for it. I had dated Jack for a little over a year, we broke up and a week later I found out that I was having a baby. I was pushing 30 and was ready to get on with the next chapter of my life. I told him I was pregnant and whatever decision he made as to whether or not he wanted to be a part of the child’s life was totally up to him. I did not push to get back together; as a matter of fact I went almost 5 months without any contact with him at all. Needless to say, he is a part of our child’s life and in all honesty a really good dad.
When it came time for the child to be born I had assumed that he or she would have my last name. Jack on the other hand thought the baby should have his. This was really confusing to me as his lawyer had told him not to sign anything in the hospital and to let me know there would be a paternity test. So as of right now 8 ½ years later our child has a birth certificate with a blank space where the father’s name is supposed to be and paternity test results that say the probability of him being the father 99.6%. Needless to say our son has a hyphenated last name.
Strangely enough when it comes time to fill out forms at a doctor’s office, I get very strange looks when the paperwork is reviewed. The receptionist never knows how to refer to me nor do the kids at my sons after school program. More often than not I get the “Mizzzzzzzzzzzzz……” with an extremely puzzled look on their face. The kids at the afterschool program just refer to me as Miss Smiley.
About two weeks ago my son and I were at Disney World and for the first time ever he actually got puzzled about his last name. While we were in line for the Peter Pan Ride he looked up at me very seriously and asked “Mom do you have G-Pa or G-Ma’s last name?” It was at this point in time that I realized, I don’t think he knows that his dad and I had never been
married.
Today Jack bought a new car and asked if he could use me as a personal reference. I said sure and gave him whatever information he needed. When it came to the part that asked for relationship he said “Oh crap, I never know what to put here” I told him just put “Your baby’s mama”
When it came time for the child to be born I had assumed that he or she would have my last name. Jack on the other hand thought the baby should have his. This was really confusing to me as his lawyer had told him not to sign anything in the hospital and to let me know there would be a paternity test. So as of right now 8 ½ years later our child has a birth certificate with a blank space where the father’s name is supposed to be and paternity test results that say the probability of him being the father 99.6%. Needless to say our son has a hyphenated last name.
Strangely enough when it comes time to fill out forms at a doctor’s office, I get very strange looks when the paperwork is reviewed. The receptionist never knows how to refer to me nor do the kids at my sons after school program. More often than not I get the “Mizzzzzzzzzzzzz……” with an extremely puzzled look on their face. The kids at the afterschool program just refer to me as Miss Smiley.
About two weeks ago my son and I were at Disney World and for the first time ever he actually got puzzled about his last name. While we were in line for the Peter Pan Ride he looked up at me very seriously and asked “Mom do you have G-Pa or G-Ma’s last name?” It was at this point in time that I realized, I don’t think he knows that his dad and I had never been
married.
Today Jack bought a new car and asked if he could use me as a personal reference. I said sure and gave him whatever information he needed. When it came to the part that asked for relationship he said “Oh crap, I never know what to put here” I told him just put “Your baby’s mama”
Ending my longest relationship
I didn’t have a specific Resolution this year when then calendar flipped to 2008. I had more of a feeling created by reflecting on my life. For the past few weeks I have been swimming in a murky pond that I myself created. Evidently it is bothering me because I find myself having conversations with myself throughout the day, while blow drying my hair, putting on make up, driving my car etc. Mostly what I know is that a change is overdue.
I have been having a love affair with Parliament Lights for a good 23 years now. I somehow picked up an extra 30 lbs in the past 2 years, and as for my job….well a change is definitely over due.
I have a doctor’s appointment this afternoon and am planning on asking for Chantix (the new latest and greatest quit smoking drug). I have tried to quit smoking several times over the years and have failed miserably every time. My fear with quitting smoking is the gaining weight part. I can actually tell you that I started smoking because of this reason. My paternal grandmother smoked….she was the image of cigarettes for me when I was young. She is petite, thin, curvy, busty and glamorous. I wanted to be that when I grew up. My maternal grandmother was heavy not really stylish and has never smoked a cigarette in her life.
In my mind the way to not allow my build to take after my mother’s side of the family was to mirror my father’s side of the family. Makes sense right? I am fortunate that I still have both of my grandmothers. Obviously the one that smoked has more health issues than the one that never did. Kind of makes the late 30’s me want to punch the 15 year old me in the head. The problem with wanting to do this is that the late 30’s me still really enjoys smoking the 15 year old me’s cigarettes.
I have often wondered what my skin would look like if I had never started smoking. Would my build have actually taken after my mother’s side if I had never started smoking?
How is quitting smoking going to effect me? The majority of my friends smoke, am I going to become one of those annoying non-smokers that is always on their case? God I hope not….what a drag that would be!
Needless to say….this year I have vowed to get rid of all things evil in my world, first cigarettes, second Ass Clown and during it all the little person that lives in my closet and keeps shrinking my clothes at night.
I have been having a love affair with Parliament Lights for a good 23 years now. I somehow picked up an extra 30 lbs in the past 2 years, and as for my job….well a change is definitely over due.
I have a doctor’s appointment this afternoon and am planning on asking for Chantix (the new latest and greatest quit smoking drug). I have tried to quit smoking several times over the years and have failed miserably every time. My fear with quitting smoking is the gaining weight part. I can actually tell you that I started smoking because of this reason. My paternal grandmother smoked….she was the image of cigarettes for me when I was young. She is petite, thin, curvy, busty and glamorous. I wanted to be that when I grew up. My maternal grandmother was heavy not really stylish and has never smoked a cigarette in her life.
In my mind the way to not allow my build to take after my mother’s side of the family was to mirror my father’s side of the family. Makes sense right? I am fortunate that I still have both of my grandmothers. Obviously the one that smoked has more health issues than the one that never did. Kind of makes the late 30’s me want to punch the 15 year old me in the head. The problem with wanting to do this is that the late 30’s me still really enjoys smoking the 15 year old me’s cigarettes.
I have often wondered what my skin would look like if I had never started smoking. Would my build have actually taken after my mother’s side if I had never started smoking?
How is quitting smoking going to effect me? The majority of my friends smoke, am I going to become one of those annoying non-smokers that is always on their case? God I hope not….what a drag that would be!
Needless to say….this year I have vowed to get rid of all things evil in my world, first cigarettes, second Ass Clown and during it all the little person that lives in my closet and keeps shrinking my clothes at night.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
SIZE MATTERS
Its 2008 and SIZE does matter
Allow me to introduce myself….if you are an avid reader of “Dump the Chump” or “Lemon Gloria” you may know me as Lauren.
A little about me…..I am a late 30’s single mom currently employed in the insurance industry. Much like anyone with two eyes, a heartbeat, a mortgage to pay and a job…..I have frustrations. My very close friend “Almost Free” suggested I start a blog to help me vent some of my frustrations. Usually when I embark on a “cleansing vent” she is very entertained. I hope that if nothing else I can make you giggle and take comfort in the fact that challenges in life just mean that you are alive.
I have come to the conclusion in the past 2 weeks that sizes of things matter. A few of the things that are eating at me are 1.) the size of my salary decrease in 2008 2.) The size of the claims that have been paid out of my book of business thus far in 08 3.) The size of the humongous pain in the ass the “new guy” in my life has become….and the sad fact that his “size” is lacking (now you knew I could not write about size and not go there). 4.) The size of the headache my idiot boss gives me. 5.) The size of the pea brain in the football size head of my sons father 6.) The size of my butt
I opened my first paycheck of the year and to my surprise found that my annual salary had gone down and not up…..hummmmm. You see with the company I work for they start you out with an attractive salary and then punish you over the years for ever starting to work for them.
4 years ago when I started with this company I had a wonderful boss, my future looked bright and I was pumped! I loved the work, loved going to work and couldn't wait to tell the world (or at least everyone in the state that I live in) that I had arrived in the industry and was GOING to make a difference. The first year was good. The second year was ok and now after finishing my 3rd year of selling I have just become fed up with the office politics, my boss (who is not the original boss – I am not sure but I think this one was purchased on a Blue Light Special and more than likely has a pull string on his back as he is incapable of forming thoughts that make sense much less sentences that even remotely answer what ever question was asked.)
I broke him in early. I remember our first one on one meeting…..It was supposed to be a “getting to know each other and what are your goals for 2006?” I remember him asking me questions that made it quite obvious that he did not look over my track record from the year before and in all honesty…..IT PISSED ME OFF. In one meeting it felt like he took every accomplishment I made away from me. One thing that anyone who knows me would tell you is that “If there is one thing you do not want to do…..it’s piss Lauren off”. I recall how my first meeting with Charlie aka Ass Clown ended. After about 30 minutes of my blood boiling from hearing him spew his Used Car Man selling strategies he delivered the question…..”Where do you see yourself in 5 years”.
I answered this question honestly “I have no idea Charlie, it really all depends.”
“Depends on what?”
“Depends on the money of course”
He looked baffled and perplexed and even blushed a little….Who did he think he was talking to???? Mother Theresa? Had I signed up for the Red Cross comp plan somewhere along the line? I mean seriously – who goes to work in hopes of not making money? Certainly no one in sales and most certainly NOT ME!
So I wrapped up the meeting by saying “Best I can tell you about my future is it is much like my past…..I came in here looking for a job and my guess is I will leave the same way”.
I watched him squirm as he knew that out of all the reps he had on his team, I was going to be the defiant one.
I smiled a little on the inside as I stared him down. I recalled something that an X-boyfriend had taught me…..It is impossible to punish or control someone that just doesn’t care.
Allow me to introduce myself….if you are an avid reader of “Dump the Chump” or “Lemon Gloria” you may know me as Lauren.
A little about me…..I am a late 30’s single mom currently employed in the insurance industry. Much like anyone with two eyes, a heartbeat, a mortgage to pay and a job…..I have frustrations. My very close friend “Almost Free” suggested I start a blog to help me vent some of my frustrations. Usually when I embark on a “cleansing vent” she is very entertained. I hope that if nothing else I can make you giggle and take comfort in the fact that challenges in life just mean that you are alive.
I have come to the conclusion in the past 2 weeks that sizes of things matter. A few of the things that are eating at me are 1.) the size of my salary decrease in 2008 2.) The size of the claims that have been paid out of my book of business thus far in 08 3.) The size of the humongous pain in the ass the “new guy” in my life has become….and the sad fact that his “size” is lacking (now you knew I could not write about size and not go there). 4.) The size of the headache my idiot boss gives me. 5.) The size of the pea brain in the football size head of my sons father 6.) The size of my butt
I opened my first paycheck of the year and to my surprise found that my annual salary had gone down and not up…..hummmmm. You see with the company I work for they start you out with an attractive salary and then punish you over the years for ever starting to work for them.
4 years ago when I started with this company I had a wonderful boss, my future looked bright and I was pumped! I loved the work, loved going to work and couldn't wait to tell the world (or at least everyone in the state that I live in) that I had arrived in the industry and was GOING to make a difference. The first year was good. The second year was ok and now after finishing my 3rd year of selling I have just become fed up with the office politics, my boss (who is not the original boss – I am not sure but I think this one was purchased on a Blue Light Special and more than likely has a pull string on his back as he is incapable of forming thoughts that make sense much less sentences that even remotely answer what ever question was asked.)
I broke him in early. I remember our first one on one meeting…..It was supposed to be a “getting to know each other and what are your goals for 2006?” I remember him asking me questions that made it quite obvious that he did not look over my track record from the year before and in all honesty…..IT PISSED ME OFF. In one meeting it felt like he took every accomplishment I made away from me. One thing that anyone who knows me would tell you is that “If there is one thing you do not want to do…..it’s piss Lauren off”. I recall how my first meeting with Charlie aka Ass Clown ended. After about 30 minutes of my blood boiling from hearing him spew his Used Car Man selling strategies he delivered the question…..”Where do you see yourself in 5 years”.
I answered this question honestly “I have no idea Charlie, it really all depends.”
“Depends on what?”
“Depends on the money of course”
He looked baffled and perplexed and even blushed a little….Who did he think he was talking to???? Mother Theresa? Had I signed up for the Red Cross comp plan somewhere along the line? I mean seriously – who goes to work in hopes of not making money? Certainly no one in sales and most certainly NOT ME!
So I wrapped up the meeting by saying “Best I can tell you about my future is it is much like my past…..I came in here looking for a job and my guess is I will leave the same way”.
I watched him squirm as he knew that out of all the reps he had on his team, I was going to be the defiant one.
I smiled a little on the inside as I stared him down. I recalled something that an X-boyfriend had taught me…..It is impossible to punish or control someone that just doesn’t care.
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