Ending my longest relationship

I didn’t have a specific Resolution this year when then calendar flipped to 2008. I had more of a feeling created by reflecting on my life. For the past few weeks I have been swimming in a murky pond that I myself created. Evidently it is bothering me because I find myself having conversations with myself throughout the day, while blow drying my hair, putting on make up, driving my car etc. Mostly what I know is that a change is overdue.

I have been having a love affair with Parliament Lights for a good 23 years now. I somehow picked up an extra 30 lbs in the past 2 years, and as for my job….well a change is definitely over due.

I have a doctor’s appointment this afternoon and am planning on asking for Chantix (the new latest and greatest quit smoking drug). I have tried to quit smoking several times over the years and have failed miserably every time. My fear with quitting smoking is the gaining weight part. I can actually tell you that I started smoking because of this reason. My paternal grandmother smoked….she was the image of cigarettes for me when I was young. She is petite, thin, curvy, busty and glamorous. I wanted to be that when I grew up. My maternal grandmother was heavy not really stylish and has never smoked a cigarette in her life.

In my mind the way to not allow my build to take after my mother’s side of the family was to mirror my father’s side of the family. Makes sense right? I am fortunate that I still have both of my grandmothers. Obviously the one that smoked has more health issues than the one that never did. Kind of makes the late 30’s me want to punch the 15 year old me in the head. The problem with wanting to do this is that the late 30’s me still really enjoys smoking the 15 year old me’s cigarettes.

I have often wondered what my skin would look like if I had never started smoking. Would my build have actually taken after my mother’s side if I had never started smoking?

How is quitting smoking going to effect me? The majority of my friends smoke, am I going to become one of those annoying non-smokers that is always on their case? God I hope not….what a drag that would be!

Needless to say….this year I have vowed to get rid of all things evil in my world, first cigarettes, second Ass Clown and during it all the little person that lives in my closet and keeps shrinking my clothes at night.