Holding Jack (ass) accountable and the difference between being a father and a dad

Jack,

Now you know that our conversation on Friday about how it was your weekend to have our son and you were having trouble finding a sitter for him so you could go to Katie Your friend from high school's wife of 6 years 40th birthday party wasn't over. I know how much you do not like being held accountable for your actions or responsibilities but this time you have gone too far.

I want you to imagine the look on our sons face when you called back and asked him…"Do I have you tomorrow night?" Are you that insensitive or that stupid? After he answered you and you hung up he looked at me and said "I think he forgot that he has me this weekend". That (and your blatant disrespect for the time that is allotted for you to spend with your son) is what triggered the ass reaming you got from me. Do you realize that since January 1st you have spent more time with Sonia than you have your son? (And in order to do that there has to be days off work for you and an airplane involved.) It has become quite apparent that our son is not one of your priorities Jack and that just makes you a heartless asshole. We do have a Legal Joint Parenting agreement in place and going forward I am no longer going to let you off the hook from it. I understand that in your selfish mind driving to my new home 34 miles away once a week on a Wednesday (which was the original day we agreed upon to be your visitation day) to see your son and exercise the "fathers rights" that you snowballed your lawyer into thinking were important to you and to fight so hard for is an inconvenience for you. Makes me wonder…how inconvenient can it possibly be to schedule that day to be done with work and get to our sons school at 3:30 when the traffic isn't so bad. You work from home so it can't be inconvenient to make phone calls from your car. You tend bar when you are needed during the week in the city, which keeps you up until 4:30 in the morning (that certainly can't be convenient when you have to get up and sell surgical implants all day – Oh that's right you mentioned that you don't schedule much on the days after you bar tend because you are tired). Why is it that you have a flexible schedule for everyone except our son? Or is that just your way of raising the bar a smidge bit higher than your own father did where parenting skills are concerned? (FYI you would still be army crawling under the proverbial bar).

I'd like to give you a glimpse into my world. First I will give you an analogy of what it is like to be me and then I will map out what a typical week looks like (keep in mind that our son being sick, snow days, doctors appointments and possibly having to run an appointment (yes I have a job) at night are not included.

Analogy of my life and how I am handling it until some much needed changes happen:The best way for me to explain my life right now is to ask you to imagine a baseball game. One team has 9 players and the other team has 1. The team with 1 player plays every position on the field. That team with 1 player is me. It is impossible to play every position and I have come to terms with that so basically what I am doing is sitting on the pitcher's mound in protest. I am not fielding any balls, nor am I giving up the ball for anyone to throw in the air and fire line drives at my head.

A typical week without any extra's added in:

M-W-F, get up get our son to school. Work until 5:00 pick him up, feed him a snack, drop him at Karate, pick him up from Karate, make him dinner, home work: he needs to read to me for 20 minutes, spelling, math, geography and 15 minutes of math on the math website. This usually brings us to about 8:30

Tuesday: same morning routine and day with the exception of I have to be at the office until 7:00 (per my idiot boss, not my idea). Our son's daycare ends at 6:00. Sometimes I can count on Megan from day care taking our son to her house and I pick him up from there at 7:15 get home by 7:35 make dinner, do the same homework routine. (On the days Megan can't do it I pick him up and bring him to the office to sit in a cubical by himself while I participate in the call night). This day has gone as late as 10:00.

Thursday: This is the one day of the week that ends by 7:30. In all honesty, I do not take phone calls on this night because by this point of the week there isn't much left of me and all I want to do it muster up enough strength to get through the next day. Make sure our son is ready for his spelling test and any other end of the week tests he may have.

Weekends: I like to get things done on the weekends that I don't have time to do during the week. I like to be on my own schedule as all I get to do all week long is be on everyone else's. I refuse to let our son live in filth so cleaning the house is important. I get 4 days a month to make plans whether they are social or just to let my mind go to mush to make sure I have enough in me to get through the next 2 weeks until I get to be Lauren (Just Lauren) again. I haven't had a babysitter for him (for any social time for me)while he has been in 3rd grade as the work is more challenging and I need to make sure he is staying focused.

Money right now is extremely tight (although notice I haven't asked you for anything additional, as a matter of fact I handle about $ 150 a month of additional expenses that pop up where our son is concerned that I never ask you to split with me). In return for not bothering you for knit picky and petty things I get in return from you being punished for moving closer to where I work so I can get to our son quickly in case he gets sick at school (it happened 7 times when we lived ear you- How many times were you available to go get him? (Answer: 0)After all you were conveniently located 5 minutes from his school, I on the other hand was 45 minutes away at work. Oh and while we are on the subject of you resenting me for moving to closer to where I work (I just want to make sure you can continue to justify your selfishness) Here's another trivia question. When our son and I were living in your town how many times did you sleep through parent teacher conferences or forget about it all together because our son is in all actuality not a priority of yours? (Answer: 3) Let's go for the next trivia question. When he did sleep at your house during the week, how many times did I get notes sent home the next day that his homework was not completed or that he had been tardy to school that morning? (Answer: I lost count after the 18th) You see being Tyler's mother means that there is no room for fuck ups or mistakes, I have to stay sharp so I can pick up the slack and be held accountable to cover up for yours.

Going back to the joint parenting agreement; Did you ever get the $ 250,000 life insurance policy with me as the beneficiary? (I want proof and can deliver proof that I saw that through). I know you will be inclined to pull a dick move with this one and put our son as the beneficiary but it really isn't smart to put anyone under the age of 18 as a beneficiary as it can't be paid out to a minor. (Feel free to ask Mike -your step father and life insurance agent about this one). You fought pretty hard for "Fathers Rights" during the process of the joint parenting agreement Jack, exactly what rights were you fighting for. As far as I can see, in the last year and a half you have exercised your right to the "All Glory no Guts" clause that is evidently only on the papers you received because I can't seem to find it on mine.

In the 2 school years that have started since our son and I moved you have asked for his school schedule of days off, and I have delivered within 24 hours of your request. Did you ever bother to look at it? Have you ever been proactive and said "I know our son has Monday off school, I'd like to have him an extra day after all I work from home and I'd like the extra time with him?" Or did you just shuffle it into a pile somewhere never to be seen again so that you can play the stupid card and be oblivious to your son's schedule? A perfect example of this quality in you is his Yellow Belt test. We have had 1 meeting with the people at his Karate school at which time the Sensei told us both that the testing date is February 23rd. When I brought it up this past week (along with the suggestion that he stay with me the night before because it really didn't make sense for you to pick him up Friday only to have to be back out in our town the next morning…foresight – sure would be nice if you had the same courtesy for me) you were completely oblivious and acted like it was the first time you were hearing it. Once again proving that what is going on in our sons life is not important enough for you to remember. I realize your head is consumed with your DUI court date on the 21st. You need to understand that your fuck ups are your fuck ups and our son should not have to suffer for them.

I personally do not believe that you were working at the bar that night, I think that is the fastest lie you could come up with to cover your ass and make yourself look like less of a slug by saying work was attached to it. That being said, and this being your 2nd DUI…just how many signs do you need that it is time to grow the fuck up? The problem I have with how your family deals with your legal issues is that they just pay your way out of your screw ups and you only repeat the mistakes. No one ever holds you accountable for your actions and you get out of them so easily that you never learn how to take accountability.

You have called me on several occasions to let me know you could not take our son on your scheduled weekends for business travel weekends (it's a crap shoot how many time "business" has been the true reason) and never have you tried to make up the time with him…most certainly that would get in the way of your social schedule the following weekend…and we wouldn't want to let your friends down now would we? I vividly recall you asking me to cover one of your weekends so you could join Jeff C. on a men's retreat to better yourself, what did you ever do with that? I have no problem covering for you especially if it will make you a better person but my putting in parenting overtime so you could go learn more creative ways to fit your head up your ass really doesn't constitute making you a better person. I also recall having to leave an appointment early so that I could drive into Chicago and pick up our son because your Peter Pan graduation was more important than your sick son.

I have had a lot to say in this e-mail Jack and I know you like to ponder issues for so long that you are able to avoid that there are any but I am not going to tolerate that. I want from you in the next 48 hours the following:

1.) Pick Tuesday or Thursday (his schedule is booked up on Monday's and Wednesdays) to be the night that you spend time with our son so you can start acting like an actively involved responsible parent. Whichever night you choose is fine with me. I expect you to pick him up from after school care at 4:00 and drop him off at home no later than 9:00 keep in mind that his homework need to be done while you are spending quality time with him. There is a movie theater not far from here, a bowling alley, restaurants and Odyssey fun world. I really don't care what your softball schedule is in the spring, summer or fall as part of being a parent means willingly sacrificing…put on your big boy cup and deal with it.

2.) I want proof that the beneficiary on a $ 250,000 life insurance policy is me. (This was supposed to be handled 4 years ago and since your step father wrote the policy on you it shouldn't be a problem for you to produce proof.)

3.) A list of your priorities by way of how you live your life (I would like to see where our son falls on it and if he shows up in the top position you are just kidding yourself and I know your tactics too well to be bullshitted).

4.) A copy of your W-2's for 2007. No offense but based on your track record I just really don't trust you (and you have done nothing but remind me of how I shouldn't). You might as well include all the copies of the cancelled child support checks too- this way we will both be in possession of the same information if there are any discrepancies.

5.) I want you to write our son a letter mapping out the kind of father you want to be to him, how important he is to you and what you are going to do to make it happen going forward (expect to be held accountable). The one thing you cannot get back is time Jack and if you continue on the path you are on it will only be a matter of time until he will get wise to the fact that the only thing important to Jack Ass is Jack Ass (something you never did to your own father and that somehow makes your piss poor performance as our sons father ok.) Keep in mind that he does have half my DNA and if you continue the way you have for the last 18 months the day will come when he realizes that he has no use for you because you never created one.

Any male can be a father Jack start living your life like you deserve the privilege of being his Dad.

None of these points are up for discussion, only action.

I will be awaiting your response by 10:00 Wednesday, February 13th. I am going to send you an IM right now letting you know there is something important for you to read.

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To my readers:

Now...how was that for an honest e-mail? Stay tuned.